Use it or Lose it…and if you have to, Get Out!

A few years out of college a former manager asked me to come work at a start up with him as a two person marketing team for a global company that had just opened up Silicon Valley offices. I agreed to come on board, despite the hour and a half commute each way from my San Francisco flat to their new location.  

I don’t recall ever meeting the CEO during the interviews but being in such a small office, it was inevitable to interact with him, and even more obvious that doing so would not be a pleasant experience. Have you ever had the situation where people talk about you right in front of your face, like you’re not even there? They might say “Oh, well, she can do that. Tell her you need it by tomorrow morning,” when they could just as easily have turned to you and spoken to you directly, or at a minimum used your actual name instead of a pronoun? This was the CEO’s regular mode of communication, which also included favorite phrases like “Just tell the MarCom girl to do it” and other such commands. The time he did actually speak to me, he called me into his office to berate the color of shirt I had ordered for the upcoming event, which my direct manager had told me was a decision for me alone to make. It became obvious that despite my amazing VP, the power structure in the office would always be one that would keep me small, and after a year and a half of surviving pervasive condescension and belittling, I gathered the strength to walk away.

I submitted my resignation with the standard two week notice from Paris where I was on work assignment. When I arrived back in the country I went to the office and organized all of my projects in painstaking detail for my replacement. I even offered to come back to do training with the new hire, on my own unpaid time, once my successor was found. As I was getting ready to leave on my last day, the CEO called me into his office again, and this time it wasn’t about a minor detail like shirt colors. From across his desk to me, as I sat seated in a small swivel chair, he said “I knew you couldn’t hack it here. From the moment you arrived I saw how weak you are. Your fake laugh tells me everything I need to know. We should never have hired you. You’ll never be anything more than a MarCom girl.” I let him speak and when he had finished I simply said, “Thank you for confirming my decision to resign,” got up, and walked out. 

Since then, I have come to know and love the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I am fortunate that on those miserable commutes home, I could call my family and friends and they would assure me that I was good at my job, that I had valuable gifts and skills to share, and that there were plenty of other opportunities to give my time and energy to. It’s scary how deep mean words can cut, especially from someone in a position of authority. But I’m telling you, do not agree with negative or hurtful words from someone who is trying to gain from your pain. If there is something constructive to learn, certainly take that and use it, but quickly and completely lose the rest. It’s what I call “use it or lose it” and it applies to criticism, judgment and failures of all kinds. 

Blind dismissal does not lead to growth, though it is sometimes an instinctual reaction if “the truth hurts,” but I have honed my skill of digesting worthy feedback and letting go of the pieces that do not serve me. As a mentor once told me, “Not everyone has to like you Keri. And not everyone will. Especially when you are in a leadership position. The higher you rise, the clearer you need to be on who you are and what you’re here to do.” Wise words I still live by. 

So what in your life is holding you back? Who is trying to keep you down? Or as Brene Brown says, who is being a “candle blower outer?” The best people in your world want the best for you. At the end of the day, you get to decide who is in the driver’s seat, and I hope you put yourself there! Because remember, only you know how to live your one “right life.” Don’t give away your power to anyone, especially a critic who “is not in the arena.” We all have those voices in our head, or something someone said once that still rings in our ears, but if what is being said about you, or what you are believing is not true, every time, for all people, everywhere, then it is not “truth” at all. It is very likely one person’s opinion. And you can use it or lose it. In my case, I left it. And I’m so glad I did. 

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